Having “the talk”
The one conversation that all parents seem to dread is one
concerning sex, usually coined “the talk”. Parents don’t like to discuss this
topic because often it can be awkward, and they don’t know what to expect from
their child. This conversation is one that should be held in a place that makes
both the parent and the child comfortable. A good place is the home either in
the living room or sitting around the table (not during a meal though). Too
often, this discussion occurs in a child’s bedroom, which can make them even
more uncomfortable, and make them feel like their parents are invading their space.
If the child is not comfortable, they won’t be able to pay attention to what
you are saying, and they are less likely to remember the specifics of the
conversation. A suggestion is to have the mother sit down with a female child,
and the father sit down with a male child because the opposite sex parent may
not be able to answer all the questions that the child may have. Additionally,
the opposite sex parent may cause the child to be more uncomfortable and on
edge during this conversation. Another important concern is when to have “the
talk”. A good time is when the child reaches puberty. Before then, it is kind
of pointless because they don’t necessarily have the urges, and the hormones.
Discussing sex at that age might be more of a funny subject, and they won’t
remember what you said when they are older, and starting to want to explore
their sexuality.
As a parent, you should be sure to include as many details
as you can, to make sure that your child has a thorough understanding of not
only sex and the potential consequences, but also of the methods that will keep
them from an unplanned pregnancy or an STI. While it can be awkward, a good
starting point for “the talk” is asking your child what they already know about
sex. It is very easy to use their knowledge as a starting point and continue
the conversation by adding on to what they know. For this example conversation,
let’s say that the child’s response is “sex is when two people get together and
make a baby”. Your response could be “do you know what happens when they get
together?” or “that is correct, but a baby is not always the product of sex.
Sex is between a man and a woman who love each other, and it is when a man puts
his penis into a woman’s vagina.” While the second approach may seem too graphic,
it is good to define what sex is for your child, and to use proper terminology
when discussing this topic. Your kid will probably use general terms because
they get embarrassed discussing sex, especially with their parents. By giving a
brief description of how sex occurs, it curbs a child’s potential curiosity as
well as getting past initial awkwardness to further discuss matters.
I personally think that it is important for a child to be
versed in the methods of birth control, or at least a few that the parents have
enough knowledge on to relay to their children. At the bare minimum, I believe
that the pill and condoms be mentioned and explained to a preteen. While no
parent likes the idea of their child having sex, it is better to educate your
child in birth control methods than deal with an unwanted pregnancy later on
due to ignorance. This topic is especially important for parents to discuss
since it is not discussed in schools. Parents can reinforce teachings of
abstinence, but as a child gets older, it isn’t smart to keep with the
abstinence only education. A parent should encourage their children to not be
afraid to approach them if they decide to have sex and need to get some form of
birth control. The pill doesn’t need to be discussed with a male child, but
with a female, it is more important to educate them about the pill as well as
the experience and consequences of pregnancy. Condoms can be discussed with
both genders. A male child should be educated on the proper way to put on a
condom. The parent can use some sort of model, such as a banana to demonstrate.
A female child does not necessarily have to be instructed on how to put one on,
but it is important that they understand that it is okay to ask their partner
to wear one, and that it can prevent the transmission of some STIs. Both
genders should be educated on not only the proper use of a condom, but also
what to do if one breaks. Children should be encouraged to approach their
parents if something happens and they are unsure. Parents need to be able to
reassure their children that they are there to support and take care of their
children, and if they come for help, particularly in an emergency, the child
won’t be punished. I personally think that a lot of children would be scared to
approach their parents if something happened due to fear of what their parents
are going to say and how they are going to act. A child should not be isolated
or be punished for a mistake. Parents tend to forget that they were young once
and made mistakes also. This could be due to some parents feeling
overprotective of their children.
Possible Questions:
What is sex like?
This question is not one that many parents would feel
comfortable answering, but it is important to be honest with your child. I
think that too many times, parents want to prevent their children from having
sex, so they give a lot of negative terminology to describe it. This doesn’t
benefit the child, and may make them more curious later on if the parents
aren’t honest.
How do you know if you’re pregnant?
This question may be asked by a female child because she is
curious. DO NOT assume that a child is asking out of concern. Many young
children are simply curious, and want to understand things better. You can
discuss the missing of a period as well as possible other symptoms present in
the first trimester such as morning sickness.
Where do you get condoms?
If you discuss their use with your child, they may be
curious as to their availability. Again, this DOES NOT mean that your child is
going to run out and buy them and have sex, they are simply curious. When it
comes to methods of birth control, you are their only source of information,
and so they are going to be curious. The best thing to do is answer their
questions to the best of your ability, and have an open discussion about sex.
If you can engage your child in the discussion, it will be more effective.
